Tone Policing

I've been aware of this concept for quite some time but only recently has it come into play in my life in a significant manner. In a certain social situation I'm in, it's become difficult to tell the difference between who is tone policing who in regards to our interactions. I often find this individual deeply frustrating but working with them is necessary at times so I do strive for civil interactions. However this individual has a particular disposition that gets underneath my skin. It's an atypical position for me, but one nonetheless that I need to work through for the sake of productivity and possibly a friendship. To be clear, they've made me aware that I do have my own issues to work on, and they're issues with my own tone that I have had an acute awareness of for many years. While it doesn't come into play all that often, I know that if someone "rubs me the wrong way" I have a way of retaliating that isn't as typical as most. I don't fight back, at least not actively. I don't raise my voice or anything of that nature, but I do take on a different kind of tone with the person that happens to be causing me to bristle. The tone that I take is one that can be, at times, especially condescending. It's not a good coping mechanism and I do try to work on it, but the fact that it's so rarely an issue would be the reason I would cite as to why I'm only recently starting to make some progress on it. The fact of the matter is that there will always be difficult people that you will have to deal with for one reason or another, and often times their tone can be highly problematic, however that's not an excuse to allow yourself to stoop. I've come to understand that this is precisely what I'm doing with this individual. I find her off putting, and have implemented my own means of retaliation through my own tone. I feel disrespected by them, I feel as though they undercut and delegitimize me frequently, and have ascertained that this is why I talk down to them. While the tone I take with them isn't appropriate, I also want to be fair to myself by getting it down in writing that theirs is often no less adept. This individual is often dismissive, negligent, rude, and combative. There are many other adjectives I could employ but I feel those cover my grievances adequately. However, given my appreciation of holistic thought, it would be antithetical to such a world view to simply leave it at that. As with anyone, there is more to this person than their negative traits. People are not the sum of their worst components and that is an important mantra I've been trying to repeat to myself when I find myself frustrated with them. But above all, I've just need to repeat this until it sticks: "calling her out on what I don't like in the format of an attack simply isn't productive". One thing that I won't be especially upfront with, but is strikingly true is that I like to think of myself as being at a heightened level of maturity and intellectual stability. While this factor is part of a different issue I'm working on (ego) I've found that it can actually be helpful in dealing with this problematic individual for me. The way it can be helpful is that when I find myself inclined to stoop, to sink to her level and to be rude, simply reminding myself that I desire to take the high road may be an effective means of curbing that inclination. "If you're so mature, then show it" would be the thesis of that sentiment that may very well do me a lot of good to keep handy. Now, as with many of these entries, I've started it with a personal situation, and if you've read these before, you know that this is the point when I pivot into discussing the broader issue that is the subject of the entry. The issue I've been having largely has to do with tone on both ends, and in the broader scheme of society, I've seen time and time again that tone makes all the difference. A good friend of mine frequently says: "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" and that might be one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It would be easier if tone didn't matter but the truth is that it does. Often times ones words themselves aren't nearly as consequential as the manner in which they are employed. However, there is a flip side to this. That flip side is the concept of tone policing as a dialectical fallacy, i.e. when it is used simply as a means of shutting down opposition. This is a practice that I can't stand which is why it especially bothers me to know that it's possible that I have been doing precisely that. If someone is making a cohesive and coherent argument, using their tone or means of approach as an excuse to dismiss them is unacceptable and should be called out as such. However, now that brings us to the grey area of trying to determine when exactly such a thing is occurring. The primary question there is "is this persons conduct truly unacceptable, or is it just an excuse to dismiss the point they are attempting to make?" That truly is the crux of the tone policing issue in my mind and if you ask yourself that question, followed by a genuine and sincere answer, I think we will all find that we truly do have the capability to avoid tone policing in it's form of fallacy.