Alcoholism 2

It's nice to be able to say that I haven't had any drugs or alcohol in my body for more than a year now. It's nice to be able to say that for a number of reasons. For one thing, all of those things were basically wrecking my life, but obviously it's more complicated than that. It wasn't just substances that were the source of my problems, but they were a significant enough source of issue to the point that it was well worth it to remove them from my life. A number of things have changed since altering that aspect of myself, yet for the most part I'm no different than before. I should be careful when saying that because obviously I am different, but the core of my personality is more what I'm referring to, which is significant. I say it's significant because in my own personal experience of recovery, it's important to recognize that while you have grown, you aren't a "new person". When I got clean, I didn't go through any sort of miraculous rebirth, and I certainly didn't find god (one of the cliches I disdain most). No, when I gave all that up, it was a matter of accepting simple truths. It was a matter of looking inward and accepting that the way I was living wasn't sustainable. I accepted that I was slowly killing myself. I accepted that I very well could have been quickly killing myself as well. I accepted that my emotional state was a disaster. I accepted that my physical state was a disaster. I accepted that my outlook was in a complete state of disarray. I accepted, quite simply, that some changes needed to be made. Thankfully I did make some changes, however as I have done so, it's been with a staunch awareness that I'm no less likely to fall victim to the same pitfalls of judgement that had plagued me before. That's been by far one of the most important aspects of my recovery. I'm not a new man, and I need to remind myself of that consistently. Like I said, there was no sort of rebirth. I don't believe in that sort of thing. I don't believe that we can ever truly rebuild ourselves, rather we just continue to build on what we already are. Who I am is very much built on the rubble of who I was, but that rubble isn't gone, rather it's the foundation of my growth. Not only my acceptance, but my understanding of my mistakes is what has allowed me to grow. For the longest time I wanted to pretend as though I haven't abused the trust of my loved ones, I wanted to pretend that I didn't hurt anyone, but to do so would be lying to myself. Not only would it be lying to myself, it would be inhibiting my own growth. It is one of my firmest held convictions that people are fundamentally unable to grow until they come to terms and make amends for the mistakes they have made. I would like to think that if I haven't done that already, at the very least I'm in the process of doing so. Giving up alcohol and drugs has provided me many benefits and those are worth touching on. In many regards I'm healthier. Physically, I've lost quite a bit of weight (I was overweight before), and while sleep is still an issue, it's much more manageable now than it was before. Psychologically, I'm much better. While I still struggle with emotional well being, that too is much more manageable with my new sobriety. Cognitively, I'm sharper than I've ever been. I read and write much more consistently, and I'm quite content with the better care I've been taking of my own mind. Oddly enough, I've become a much more social person in sobriety. I say "oddly enough" because most people associate social settings with drinking, and might be inclined to think that someone who doesn't drink wouldn't be especially privy to mingling which is why I'm very happy to say that's not the case, at least for me. I'm frequently attending all sorts of social functions and have found that my ability to interact with others has improved considerably due to the fact that I've had to build a personality without the aid of alcohol (as was the case before). Looking back, it's a bit saddening to know that there are so many people who are reliant on alcohol in order to function in social settings, especially since I was absolutely one of those people. That's no longer the case and I'm very glad to be able to know that. Then there are the benefits that no one else can see, and that's what I'm like when I'm by myself. For one thing, I've got much more time to do the things that I enjoy. My guitar is no longer collecting dust, my notebooks have been rapidly filling up, and I frequently attend all sorts of events around town. Overall, while I still struggle with the trials and tribulations of life, I am happier. That's another thing that I need to remind myself of as frequently as I can. Especially because recently I've been going through a period of struggling to be happy. I've been through such periods many times before but the one thing that's different this time is that I wont be self medicating with alcohol. I've taken the necessary steps to get better and illicit substances or alcohol haven't been a part of that process. All of this feels good to be writing down, but yet another lesson recovery has taught me is that complacency can be dangerous. Just when you're feeling the best is when disaster can strike, so it's important to be vigilant. It's important to be mindful of my cognitive state, my emotional state, and my actions. All of that is very relevant, all of that is very crucial. However, as long as I stay on top of everything, my recovery will continue, and I have every intention of making that happen. Here's to one year clean and sober.