Adderall

For a long period of time, in fact for a good chunk of my life, I was medicated for my attention deficit disorder, and from the later years of high school, throughout college, and for a long time after the medication I used was the well known drug Adderall. All that time I thought that it was imperative in order to allow me to be a functioning person, but I've come to understand that this assumption was only true in some regards. In terms of keeping me focused on my studies and establishing some structure, it served it's purpose well, however since having been off of it for a few months now I've come to understand that it also had some harmful effects. I really noticed this as I looked through some of my older writings, older obviously being subjective, but I'm mainly referring to what I wrote just a half a year ago. Let me be perfectly clear when I say that I'm just speaking for myself when I say this and that I recognize it's benefits for many people, but I'll just come out and say it: my writing was bad. Pretty much everything I went through had a few traits in common. It was, for the most part, very forced, very generic, and very repetitive. I wrote quite a lot, that's for sure, but even if the quantity was substantial, the quality was another matter entirely. I would say that my writing has improved significantly since getting off of the medication a couple months ago, granted there was a period when I just didn't write at all, but I would chalk that up to my mind going through a rewiring of sorts as I was sorting out many other aspects of my life. Now that I've gotten back into it, I've noticed a significant change. My individual pieces are longer and flow more smoothly, not to mention there is much less repetition. There is still however, a certain formulaic nature to my writing, but I'll be doing my best to kick that over the course of the month and going forward. For the sake of objectivity, I should also note that simply getting off Adderall was not the sole factor in my perceived improvement of my craft. Around that time I also transitioned into making a more regular habit out of reading and I began attending various writing groups, lectures, and workshops as well. To say that I began expanding my horizons as a writer during that interval would be a striking understatement. I don't think my writing is at it's full potential yet either. I've still got a long way to go in terms of being the type of writer that I aspire to be, but I feel as though learning how to write without the assistance of a substance in order to participate in the practice was a big step towards getting where I want to be. That wasn't an easy process either. Like I said earlier, there was about a month and a half long period when I didn't write at all before building up the motivation to get back into it. However when I did, it was clear that my style had shifted and looking at where I am now, I'm glad I ended up making the transition. During all this time I've had much experience taking leadership in an organization that deals with those suffering with substance abuse issues, of which I obviously recognize that I have a few. I've had many problems because of alcohol, as well as other substances, but I never thought Adderall was one of them. After all, it's largely what I credit my academic survival with so how could it be a bad thing? It didn't really damage my life in any significant way, and I didn't develop a dependency on it or go through any withdrawal symptoms when I stopped taking it, so again, why was it bad? Well I just described why it was earlier in this entry. Problem substances are typically those regarded as mind altering ones such as alcohol, cocaine, heroin, psychedelics, things of that nature, but even though at the time I didn't think Adderall was altering my mind in any significant way, I've come to understand that it actually was. In my case at least, the substance basically forced thoughts out of my mind. It definitely helped me to focus, but at the cost of shackling my creativity in a sense. All of that brings the discussion to the topic of what is a drug versus what is medicine, and to that I would say Adderall somewhat falls under both categories. It absolutely has it's benefits, but it has drawbacks as well. Not only did it disable my creativity and free flow of thoughts in my case, it also contributed to my insomnia problem. For gods sake it's in the name of the blog so obviously the condition is problematic for me and Adderall wasn't helping at all. If I ever took it too late in the day, there was little chance that I would be sleeping later that night, and some days when I felt that I needed to be "extra productive" I would take more than my prescribed dose which led to noticeably stronger effects. While I didn't do that to get high, I did use the medication in a manner that it wasn't intended for; to push my focus into overdrive. I'm not entirely decrying the medication/drug, even though it may seem like it. I recognize that it undoubtedly has it's benefits, but from my own experience with it I would say that it's not the worst idea in the world to try and figure out how to transition off of it once you are at a point in your life when it's no longer necessary. I may even renew my prescription if I elect to pursue further educational endeavors, but until then I believe that this is a valuable interval in which I'm discovering more about how my own mind works, and I think I'm just going to explore that for the time being.