High School

I know this is something of an odd topic to write about out of the blue but I'm certainly not a stranger to that now am I? I'm not entirely sure what brought my mind to this topic but none the less it's where I'm at this early morning so let's get right into it. I feel like the way high school is depicted in popular culture is basically a view crafted from a collection of generalized experiences that people vaguely recall. This naturally gives the impression of an almost cartoonish caricature of what we've all been through. It looks and sounds right, or at least like it's in the ball park, but everyone looks back on their own time in high school differently. Some recall it as the time of their lives. They see it all through rose colored lenses and often spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate that initial feeling of wonder that they had during those days. For others, it was a complete nightmare. It was a time when they had never felt more alone, when they thought the world didn't understand them and every waking moment was discomfort. Both of those experiences I feel aren't as common as they're depicted, I'd say because they're both polar examples. The fact is that unless ones high school experience was wonderful or disastrous, you don't really think about it at all after the fact. That's somewhat where I fall. I remember an experience of reconnecting with someone from high school when I was well into my collegiate experience. They were a person that I didn't know very well and I didn't think they knew me very well either so at the end of the interaction I felt the need, the curiosity I should say, to ask them what they thought about me in high school. The answer, while short, was pretty telling. They said something to the effect of "To tell you the truth, I didn't think about you all that much." Of course there was more to their answer, but that was the summary. They said that I seemed nice, quiet, and pretty typical but that was about it. They didn't think badly of me, they just didn't think about me much at all, and that was what others probably thought too. That answer came as something of a surprise to me, because when I asked the question, one word I was both dreading and expecting was "weird". When they gave me that answer, I followed up with "but I was also a little odd right?" To which they responded that they couldn't recall anytime I acted strangely. I have an idea as to why this was and I think it also explains a large portion of the anxiety that so many adolescents face. Many, like myself, think that they were socially awkward freaks in high school and that their experience was unique, but I don't think that's the case. The high school years are extremely formative for everyone socially. Everyone is trying to get a vague idea of who they are and the fact of the matter is that they all make a few faux pas in the process, and in an environment when everyone is doing that, individual instances, unless extreme, will more often than not be entirely forgotten. I'll use myself as an example; I thought I did quite a few weird things in high school, but looking back now, I really can't think of one specific thing. Yet at the time, those little things that I definitely did yet can't recall today, seemed devastating. I would say that's largely the reason for all of the anxiety in high school. Everyone believes that they're under a microscope, that everything they do will be remembered and they'll never live it down. We were all wrong to think that, and that even extends into college but I'll get to that later. After that interaction I mentioned earlier, the one between my former classmate and myself, I was actually somewhat disappointed. I thought that if no one ever thought about me, than my high school experience must have been pretty worthless, but now I realize that was the best case scenario. Going back to the polar experiences, I'd say those are the worst possible outcome of high school because they set the scene of someone being stuck in that timeframe. If high school was great for you, that was sadly, the peak, and it's one that some may believe is the best they will ever do. Those people who were at the top of the social food chain, the stereotypical "jocks and cheerleaders" are often losers later in life, but I should be careful talking like that, because that makes me sound like the other extreme of the spectrum. For those that look back on their days in secondary as the worst time of their life, they too dwell on it, but obviously for different reasons. The pain they felt, all that isolation and anxiety often set the tone for the rest of their lives as well. I would assume inferiority complexes are common in them and are a struggle they deal with every day. As someone who never managed to fall to either of those extremes, I'm honestly happy about how my experience turned out. My character, personality, and overall path in life were more determined towards the later end of my college years. I should also say that in college, many of those that were in the social extremes in high school do find their way back to the center and are able to move on, but not all of them. Those that were the top of their circle in high school can quickly be humbled when they enter the larger pond of college. I remember my freshman year hearing a guy describe college as "having to start all over" and he was really frustrated by that, but to be honest I was overjoyed at the idea of a clean slate. Then there were those that were at the bottom of the food chain in high school who could quickly find a circle of their own in college and build up the confidence that they didn't know they had. I remember seeing that happen too with some people and it really made me happy. I didn't experience much of either of those things, at least not significantly. In college my while my personality certainly developed in explosive leaps and bounds, my core character and values largely stayed the same as they were in high school. I'd say that aside from the nasty substance and alcohol abuse habits that I picked up in college, it too went about as well as it could have. Alright, I'm straying from the original subject a bit so lets go to the academic aspects of high school. As an actual student, I would say my attitude towards my studies was similar to my social attitude; I certainly had potential but very much lacked confidence. My views towards my own capabilities were largely shaped by feedback from my teachers. I had days when I did well, and days when I didn't. One thing I recall vividly about my academics was the way I felt my heart sink whenever I saw poor marks. The sense of inadequacy was overwhelming but I often brushed it off. Failure certainly effected me, but compared to how my sister took the news (by having full blown theatrical panic attacks) I seemed to take it in stride. My mother often said how my sister and I needed a bit of each others personality towards grades and looking back I think it's funny because I would say she was right. If I was more concerned like my sister, I probably would have done a bit better in my classes, and if she were more like me, she probably wouldn't have been as much of a basket case about her grades as she often was. I would say that our approaches towards failure, while appearing different, were actually the same in every sense but magnitude. I knew some students who saw a poor grade and laughed while crumpling up the paper. That wasn't me. I would see my poor grade and quietly feel a pang of guilt. I didn't make a show about it, but that absolutely doesn't mean I didn't care. On the other end, I had the same approach towards good grades when I got them. I was quite about it. I knew some student who would parade their scores around, and have a noticeable skip in their step when walking out of the classroom after tests had been returned. I certainly felt proud whenever I did well, but I felt that it was inappropriate to be boastful. When it comes to actual study habits I would say high school was when mine were developed, albeit often against my will. Sometimes I resented my parents for the anxiety they caused me with some of the pressure they placed, but looking back I'm quite thankful for the effort they put into me. Those afternoons (which extended into the night on some occasions) of my father grilling me with flashcards and expressing frustration when it was clear that I hadn't been putting all the effort I should have been into the process really stuck with me. At the time I dreaded those evenings, but later in college when I found myself applying the same habits to my studies on my own, I realized it had all been for the best. People often look back at high school and scoff at the material they were forced to learn, calling it insignificant. While some of it was, in retrospect I realized that what we learned wasn't always so important, but the habits we developed as we learned it were absolutely crucial. In a nutshell, what I'm saying is that I think many people disdain their academic experience in high school for the wrong reasons. I should clarify, I think they focus on what they didn't like or didn't think was important so much that they overlook what the actual point was. All the habits that I made/was forced to make in high school prepared me for the next step which in turn lead me to broaden the scope of my view even more, and I would say that all of it was a good thing in terms of the long run. In fact I would say all of it was good for me in terms of my lifelong experience, not just the academics. My high school experience was pretty much what it was supposed to be; it was formative. Whether for the better or worse, that's what it is for everyone. It is a time when you don't have the foggiest idea of who you are, but by the end of it you will hopefully have an idea of the direction you want to take with your life. Because of that, I'd say it is extremely relevant and worthy of an entry that's a bit on the longer side such as this one.