One Year

Last night I had another moment similar to the one I detailed in "Black Outs". I came across a song that effectively brought me back to a different time and place in my life. The song was "Pulaski at Night" by Andrew Bird. It's a very beautiful song with a simplistic melody of a guitar accompanied by a violin underlying lyrics detailing a desire for a loved one to return to Chicago. The funny thing about the song that made it particularly significant to me is that, believe it or not, I came across it while I was actually at the Pulaski station on the Orange line. It was during one of the many nights I spent in making my way around the city with a former love interest and ended up losing my way on the L. I was actually by myself at the time, and while I was lost, I wasn't particularly concerned due to my confidence that I could find my way. I feel this is significant because that was largely my mentality towards my whole life at that point. I was just sort of lost and believed I could figure things out. That time in my life (which amazingly was just a year ago) was interesting to say the least. I was fresh out of college, attempting to make my way in the world and not doing a very good job of it. It certainly helped that at the time I had a woman in my life that somewhat served as an anchor to keep me grounded throughout all of the chaos, but still, as an individual I was lost in more ways than just physically. I can't say with confidence that I've found my way since then, quite the contrary I would say that I certainly haven't, but a few things have changed. Since then my life has gone through a whirlwind of change, much of it frightening and disheartening, but at the same time all of it has served to further build me into the person that I am now. Obviously I've gotten clean and sober since then and in some ways that's made my life better, plus I've established an entirely new social circle and professional network, as well as the fact that I've become much more outgoing in pursuing community involvement all go into painting a picture that my life has drastically improved since then. However, that would only be telling half of the story. Everything that has led up to these positive changes was quite dark, melancholy, and at some points physically endangering. I feel like that's all a part of the "give and take" of life though. All of that emotional instability, substance abuse and all around chaos led me to the time I spent in psychiatric care and rehabilitation services, which is what set me up to set up the fresh start that I have now. When I first heard that song "Pulaski at Night" I believed that it had been many years since I first encountered it, but was then awestruck when I saw the date I had initially added it to my playlist. It was just about one year ago. When I think about all of the events that have transpired since then, it really feels like it's been a century. The life experiences I've had in that short period of time were tumultuous but at the same time profoundly formative. At the time I first heard that song, I was living a kind of live that was in some ways similar to my current one, but in others very different. On the surface I was making the most of things and enjoying myself in the hazy confusion, but in reality it was a time of desperation. I was furiously trying to craft a life for myself that on some level I knew would never come to fruition. "Fake it until you make it" was without a doubt what I was doing during all of those days in Chicago. I was breaking my back and exhausting myself trying to make a living at a job that I knew all along would never be able to sustain me, I was attempting to keep a relationship afloat that, while at many times happy, I knew was a doomed effort, and I was allowing my own struggles with addiction to run rampant throughout it all. After that picture you might assume that I hated most of what my life was at that time, but to say that would be incorrect. I'm writing all this with the benefit of hindsight, when at the time I was actually enjoying myself more often than not (at least in my free time). There was a sense of freedom and branching out that undercut the bleak uncertainty of it all and I would say that's what kept me going as long as it did. However nothing lasts forever of course and obviously all of that ended, but is where I'm at now any better? Lets look at that. Right now I would say I'm in a period of recovery and regrouping. I'm starting over in a new city and setting up a new image for myself. I'm working every day of the week to pay for my own living expenses as well as to work off the debt that I accrued through the results of my previous choices and lifestyle. While that's going on I'm spreading myself out in an attempt to meet as many new people and establish as many new connections in my new environment as possible, but it should be said that I'm not just taking shots in the dark. I've been attending groups focused on my intended career path and interests, and am slowly setting up a network that reflects that. I would say I'm sowing the seeds of the future while cleaning up the mistakes of the past. That's what's on the surface, but of course there's always more to the story. While I wasn't dishonest by saying any of that, I should reveal the rest of the story. As all of this growth is going on, there is a similar sense of desperation throughout it all, not unlike the one I felt a year ago. I'll be honest, money is very tight and a massive stressor, and some of the new relationships I've established haven't been so smooth 100% of the time. Not to mention the fact that I'm still very much coping with the same psychological problems that cocked things up before. The "fake it until you make it" feeling is still very much present which makes me question whether what I'm doing is really going to make a difference, but I've come to regard that as a thought to be discarded for the moment. The fact of the matter is that life will always be uncertain and stress is unavoidable, so it's best to recognize the positive changes and the general path I'm attempting to carve for my life. All of that happened in one year, I still can't really believe it. Life is bizarre isn't it?