Romance 2

It's been some time since I touched on this subject and much has changed since then so I feel it's as good a time as any to revisit the matter. The last time I wrote in depth about romantic relationships, I mentioned a particular woman and I did end up becoming further involved with her, much further in fact. I truly believed that I was in love with her, and she said the same of me. We went on a journey together that lasted over two years before its conclusion. It was great for the most part, right up until the end. Hindsight is 2020 as they say, and this case is no different. I know exactly why the relationship went sour and now I'm at a point when I'm comfortable talking about it. There were a few factors that led up to the conclusion, but I would say the central theme was pride and a lack of communication. The woman in question was aware that I had my own struggles, and when I first told her about them, she showed a strong desire to help in any way that she possibly could. However, after I initially informed her of my situation, that was all but the end of my inclusion of her in my own personal problems. That was where things went wrong. As the romance continued, it looked great on the surface. We appeared very happy and for all intents and purposes we were, but not all other aspects of my life were going as well, and I failed to let her in on that. Looking back, I would say pride was the reason I kept her in the dark. I didn't want her to think of me as weak, even though in my heart of hearts I knew that wouldn't be the case, and because I covered up the flames up until the very end, things fell apart. When the last significant interaction between us in the context of the relationship came to a boiling point, I lifted the curtain, exposed the extent of my situation, and she couldn't handle what she was confronted with. I don't blame her one bit for that. Had I possessed the humility to put in the work and reveal my struggles incrementally to her, I don't have the slightest doubt in my mind that things would have turned out differently, but there's no use dwelling on the past as if it can be changed because it can't. You will never be able to undo your mistakes, you can only learn from them and use them to shape a better future for yourself, which is what I hope to do. That brings us to the current situation (ooh fun). I've never been big on revealing the identities of those in my personal life in my writing, I find it to be in poor taste, and this case will be no different, but without further adieu here's where I'm at. I'm currently stuck between two situations; one woman who's wonderful in many ways, and seems to be interested in me, but whom I don't exactly feel the same way about, and another who I'm beginning to have feelings for, but she seems generally uninterested or at least preoccupied with other things in her life. I'll start with the first situation. While this is a woman whose company is appreciated and I admire her in many ways, I just don't have romantic feelings for her. I could never say that she's a bad friend, and she's been absolutely amazing in helping me to get acclimated to my new environment, which is why I very much value her and don't want to cause any hard feelings over the issue of where things stand between us. I have no doubt in my mind that she would be a fantastic companion and whoever she ends up with will be lucky to call her such, I just don't believe I'm that person. Another thing is that she seems to have some issues with insecurity. As I've explored various areas of the city with her, I quickly realized that she has a tendency to make friends with everyone she meets (one of the traits I admire about her) but with that realization I immediately thought about why that would lead her to be insecure. For someone who seems to aim to please everyone, it's not difficult to see how she might feel especially hurt whenever anyone turns her away. That's not a bad thing though, it just means that she has a big heart and that she cares about people, but the trait has obvious aforementioned drawbacks. That brings us to the second situation, which is of a woman who is in many ways a foil to the first. She too has many admirable traits that lead me to be drawn, but there are also character imperfections that can't be overlooked. Positives; she enjoys taking risks, excitement, and has a general "devil may care" attitude towards many things. I think all of that is largely the reason for the attraction, mainly because I think those are all traits that I had at one point but lost somewhere along the way. Maybe on some level I think that by spending time with her, by osmosis I can reclaim certain aspects of my personality that faded as time went on. However, it's important to recognize that you shouldn't pursue a romantic interest just for what you think you can get from it. A selfish approach will lead to failure every time. She also seems to have quite a bit of strength of character, mainly in that I've seen personally a strong intolerance of her name being thrown around in a negative context, even in a situation when I was thought to be the source. Being able to stand up for yourself and your name is something to be respected, and that's not just in dealing with romance. I'm trying not to be assumptive, but just for the sake of writing something that probably none of the individuals involved are ever going to read, I'll speculate. From that interaction I got the impression that she's had a history of rumors being spread about her, and because of that history, is very quick to snuff them out, which is very understandable if it's the case. She's also had other struggles that I'm aware of, but those are of a more personal nature that even in such an anonymous context I'm not comfortable revealing. Lets just say that these are struggles that I myself deal with, and the fact that she's been able (as far as I can tell) to keep herself in check is significant to me, especially since she has begun tackling the issue before I even thought I had it. In a nutshell, those are the reasons I'm becoming attracted and should be understood for the sake of emotional growth. Now for the negatives; with an attitude such as the aforementioned, the drawback should be obvious, and that is that sometimes caution is needed, and it's absence can be catastrophic. There is also a hint of immaturity, and even some troubled legal history that I'm still not entirely clear on, which is a deal breaker for many people, but I've found that it just makes her more interesting to me. The fact that I'm not totally aware of whatever it is that she did, especially given my tendency to let my imagination run wild, is definitely fueling the intrigue. Still, that's a drawback, and no amount of romanticization will change that. Even just now, I was talking about her like she was some mysterious femme rogue and ignoring the fact that a criminal history, slight or not, is obviously indicative of some personality flaws that shouldn't be overlooked. Still, I've found that being assumptive rarely ends well in any matter so that's another thing to keep in mind. Of course the final drawback would be the fact that she just doesn't seem that interested, which of course is no fault of her own. You can't control how someone feels and getting all bent out of shape just because one person isn't about it is a complete waste of time and mental energy. I've heard many renditions of the phrase "just take mixed signals as a no" here and there, and I won't deny that there's some merit to that, however she's done some things to make me think it's not necessarily an aversion, but just a different intention. I've thought that maybe what she's looking for isn't platonic, but at the same time isn't serious either, which is perfectly fine. As someone relatively recently out of college I, of all people, should be able to understand and appreciate casuality in romance. Either way, neither situation is worth getting worked up over, as I've got bigger fish to fry at the moment and more committed romance can come later after other issues are taken care of. With both situations, I'm trying my best to be cautious in my approach, and to show open mindedness and an aversion to assumptions in my analysis of intentions and character, as should be done with any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Alright, I know this was a longer one, I had a feeling that might have been how it turned out, but as usual thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed this small peek into my life. Romance is a wonderful thing, it's the source of so much inspiration and at the same time, a place where people can turn to as a means of escaping the regular chaos of the world. When you're with the right person, the whole world can stop and things can feel alright, if just for the moment, which makes it no wonder why the concept is all but unavoidable. However, like with anything in life, reliance and obsession can be ones undoing, so it's best to be mindful of your own feelings which is exactly the purpose of writing this.