Cog

When I was very young, I never fully settled on what I wanted to do with my life, or at least, I wasn't able to decide on one thing. It seemed like I had a different dream every month. I would be introduced to some sort of craft or purpose and immediately think "this is it, this is what I'll do", but then one of a few things would happen. Either I would realize I didn't enjoy it, I would come to understand that I wasn't very good at it, or I would realize there was some factor that would prevent me from ever doing it, accept that it would never happen and quietly resume dreaming of a future that wouldn't come to pass. I think this nature that I showed from a very early age played a large role in the position that I find myself in now. Some situations call for bluntness and I believe this is one of them, which is why I'm going to flat out say it; I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find meaning, to find happiness, to find a reason that I was put on this earth in the first place. I've had the pleasure of growing up with and knowing some truly amazing people, individuals that are already contributing great things to the world , who are making a difference and seem to have found their purpose. I've seen or heard some rendition of the sentiment "You should clap for others if their dreams take off before yours" a million times, and I'll explain why it frustrates me; I feel like there's a hinting that this is an easy thing to do, and nothing could be further from the truth. Also, whenever that sentiment is expressed, I feel as though there's this not so deeply underlying implication that there's a degree of selfishness and jealousy involved whenever you feel disappointment in yourself when seeing others succeed. Quotes like this are double edged swords in my mind. I say this because while they definitely promote being a better person, the downside is that there's a strong sense of shame when you fail to live up to the precedents of morality that are set by them. I'm going to say this as clearly as I can; there is no shame in feeling bad when you see others succeed while you can't seem to get things to take off. I'm not saying you should resort to tearing others down, just that you shouldn't feel guilty about the feelings going on within your own mind. Human nature isn't something you can control, and perfection isn't possible. That's not to say that you shouldn't aspire to be the best version of yourself, a person that is morally balanced and well adjusted, it just means that it's important to recognize that even the "best version of yourself" will still never be the perfection that some may think is possible. So getting back to the point of this entry, I should say that I recognize that my situation is far from unique. I'm not so full of myself to think that I'm the only person on the face of the earth that's having a hard time finding their niche. I recognize that, while yes some people are quick to get their lives off the ground, this isn't the case for the vast majority of people. On the other hand, I still have this feeling that I'm not asking for a whole lot. Just something to make me feel like I'm contributing to the world in some way or another. I've heard so many people say they want this or that. They want a mansion, a nice car, a pool, a fortune, and all sorts of other things, but I've always seen that as a hollow kind of victory in the grander scheme of life. In all honesty, I'm perfectly happy with the modest style of living I have right now. Basic amenities have always been enough for me. I feel like what would make me happy is knowing that I'm doing something that makes a difference in the world, that I'm not just wasting my life away at a dead end job simply paying bills and then dying. As each day passes by, it's looking more and more like that's the case, and this is my single largest existential fear; That I'll go through my entire life without finding any kind of meaning or contributing anything worth while to the world. That I'll just serve a single meaningless purpose for all of my years before eventually rusting over and becoming useless, cast aside for the next piece of machinery to take my place. Just being a cog. If you're hoping for a positive spin on this one like I've made a common habit out of with these articles, I'm sorry but you're going to be disappointed this time. Not everything can end on a happy note, not every thought that's gone through a mind has a silver lining, and this is unfortunately one of those instances.