Chasing the Dragon

Whenever you hear someone use the phrase "chasing the dragon", it's a safe bet that they're referencing substance abuse of some sort. It's a saying that comes from Hong Kong and was originally about the act of consuming a particular concoction of heroin and a handful of other opiates. However, the phrase has come to be understood as a reference to pursuing the state of ecstasy that substances provide, but to a perpetual degree that simply isn't attainable, or at least not sustainable. I think this expression can be applied to an even broader philosophical sense and that's what I'm talking about right now. "Chasing the dragon" means pursuing something that you can never actually possess right? Well if you use that broad definition, we're all chasing the dragon in one way or another, and I'm no exception. While I've shed my use of substances for many reasons, one of them was the realization that I wouldn't find happiness in them, or at least not the kind of real happiness that can be preserved, but in a way I'm still chasing the dragon. While this new kind of dragon isn't a substance induced high, it's still a feeling of happiness that I still haven't figured out how to obtain. For a long time I thought I'd find happiness in all sorts of things, places and people. At one point I thought money or possessions would make me happy, but at a time I had had that and it didn't. For another long period of time I thought love would make me happy, but then I found it and while it certainly brought me some fulfillment in certain aspects of my life, on the whole I was still miserable. Then I went through a phase when I truly believed that satiating my wander lust and travelling the world would make me happy, but yet again I did that, saw some amazing places, took it all in, and was still left feeling empty. Of course I also tried to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle and in all sorts of other substances, but after every interaction I had with that sort of thing I was left feeling more unfulfilled than I was initially. After all of that, I pondered the possibility that it might just be me. "Maybe I'm just impossible to please" was a common thought that ran through my mind, but I know that isn't the case because throughout my life, there is one thing that I've never had and I think it just might make me feel some form of wholeness. That thing is purpose, a sense that I'm doing something with my life that's worth while. A sense of direction, that I've got somewhere to go besides the current dead end job that I've been working. What I think will make me happy isn't something tangible, rather it's a concept, and one that's eluded me for most of my life. But even as my heart races at the thought of achieving this, there's still a dark undertone that comes along with it. That undertone is the lurking fear that a sense of purpose and fulfillment wont make me happy either, that I'm just chasing another dragon with this notion. One thing is certain, I wont know until I try, and I'm running out of ideas as to where else I'll find happiness so the search for this simple yet seemingly ever so out of reach concept will continue. One of the most important things I've learned in my short time on this earth is that happiness, at least for me, isn't a simple thing. There are many different kinds of happiness that are each unlocked in different ways and while each one is pleasant in its own rite, I don't think achieving a state where the happiness will never end is possible. That is the truest sense of "chasing the dragon" and most people who do it, die extremely unfulfilled. That's the crux of what I want to avoid at all costs with what's left that I can make of my life. It's comforting to know that I'm still pretty young, but at the same time, I constantly remind myself that time waits for no one, so it's always best to keep the bigger picture goals at the forefront of my mind. The thing about this latest dragon that I'm chasing is that I get the strong feeling that it'll be a while before I'm able to get my first taste, making this more of a medium to long term goal, but still one that's central to everything my life has been leading up to. Whether the results will be everything that I hope they will, or whether I'll just end up thoroughly disappointed again is something that I've learned to keep out of my mind, because when it comes to things of this nature, overthinking and hesitation are the death of progress and any sliver of hope that I might get what I want. In summary, everyone is looking for something, and I'm no different, but what we're all looking for isn't always necessarily what we need. That's also something to constantly keep in mind when on your journey.