Self Harm

As you well know if you've read this blog, I struggle with the affliction of major depressive disorder as well as a handful of other conditions. I've gone through many points in my life when my opinion of myself was incredibly low. Unfortunately, I'll admit that I have partaken in self harm. There are many things that would bring a person to hurt themselves; low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, frustration, and a desire to self punish are some of the most common. In my own personal experience, self harm was more a means of self punishment for various actions I had taken that went against everything that I've been taught and believed in. I, like most others in my opinion, knew that self harm wasn't going to make anything better, but it was rather about a means of release and fostering a feeling of "justice". That's the most messed up part of it all, the fact that I knew it wasn't right to do that to myself. However, like most others who partake in self harm, are at a point where they simply don't care. I'm not going to lie, in a way I did feel better after doing what I did. Some of the guilt and shame went away because I felt that the punishment that had been done was deserved. I understand that this isn't a healthy way of dealing with guilt and shame, but, especially as an alcoholic, I crave instant gratification. More often than not, the only way to make up for your wrongs is to change your behavior over a long period of time, and I, like many others dealing with similar demons, just couldn't wait for that. I am changing my actions, and hope that I will never return to such low points, but given the diseases I struggle with, I can't say with absolute certainty that that will never be the case. People self harm because they just can't deal with the way that they are and the things that they've done. They feel that they need to be punished, they feel worthless, and they, at least at the time of the act, don't believe that they are a person that is worthy of being loved, not even by themselves. I'm writing this because I hope that if you are reading this and have partaken in self mutilation in any form, you'll realize that you're not alone, you'll realize that you are worthy of love, and you'll realize that no matter how bad things may seem or what you've done, you are not a worthless person. You will get to a point, just as I have, when you will be able to look in the mirror and see someone worthy of love. I realize that this is a very revealing entry, and that it may scare some of you, but that's precisely why I feel this subject needs to be unpacked. Don't be frightened by this entry, I no longer practice self harm, because I know that I don't need to do that to myself. You need to know that you don't either. Always remind yourself of that as I'm doing right now. You are a good person, you are loved, you are not a lost cause, and you can recover from whatever struggles you happen to be dealing with.