Higher Power

One of the most difficult hurdles that I've been trying to overcome on my journey of recovery is how I view the "higher power" that most of the 12 step programs require belief in to be. They use the phrase "we must turn our lives over to god as we understand him" and I understand that definition leaves a fair amount of wiggle room, but the big problem for me is that the way I understand god is not as an entity that we can pray to and he'll give us the strength to overcome our flaws. I think of god more as reality in and of itself. To me, this "higher power" is simply the entirety of the universe as a whole and the driving force behind existence, neither intrinsically good or bad, or interested in each of our lives in general. I don't think god is actively involved in our lives in the same sense as most religious people believe that he is. I think that humanity is gods grand experiment and that he has stepped aside to leave us to our own devices and to see whether we sink or swim, to put it bluntly. It's not that I don't believe in a higher power, as most people have mistakenly assumed about me, rather the problem lies in how I understand that higher power to function. I have no qualms with people who hold the traditional antiquated view of god as an all knowing, all powerful, and all loving entity, that's just not how I see him. From reading this, you may think that I see god as a callous and robotic concept that cares not for what it has created, but that would be incorrect. I think that it's difficult, if not impossible, to ascribe such human traits to such a vast and complex concept such as god. Throughout history, theologians, artists, writers, and poets have tried to humanize god, but I just don't think it's possible that, if god does exist, he is something that we can truly comprehend and define in terms of our limited understanding of this universe and all of existence.