Heartache

I've made my fair share of mistakes throughout my life, but recently I made a particularly huge one. I had spent the most part of the last year with an absolutely amazing woman, she made me happier than I ever knew I could be, and I threw a huge wrench into what we had. I let my emotions get the better of me and lashed out like the child I thought I no longer was. I was so wrapped up in self pity and frustration and I took it out on someone who still means the world to me. I hurt her, and I absolutely despise myself for it. The saddest thing is that I knew I shouldn't have said and done what I did, but I let myself get swept up in the moment and wounded the woman that meant the world to me. Yeah I apologized right after I said what I said, but the damage was done, and my apology carried little weight. I know that if there's any chance of repairing our relationship, I need to prove with my actions that I'm sorry instead of using empty words. I need to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, that is, if she would give me the chance. I truly don't know if I'll get that chance, let alone if I deserve it, but I'm still holding on to hope that we can salvage what we had. I don't know, I guess I'm foolish to think that she'll forgive me, but all I can do is wait and hope that she has a change of heart. She told me she needs space and time to sort through the emotions she is feeling and I know I need to give that to her, but the idea of spending "cuffing season" alone is hurting me so much that I'm afraid I'm going to buckle and try to reach out to her again. I know I shouldn't do that, since it's very likely that I'll just make things worse, so I'm going to do my best to have some restraint, painful as it may be. Ever since she told me we were done for the time being I've had a pit in my stomach that's just been eating away at me and driving me insane. I know that in time the weight of this pit will lessen but at the moment it's the most emotional pain I've ever been in over a woman. I've come to realize that this particular woman is such a powerful figure in my life because she's the only person that's made me the happiest and saddest I've ever been all in the course of a little over a year. On some level I hate that I allowed someone to have that much of an effect on me but at the same time I crave the happiness I felt with her almost like a drug. Thinking about it like that sort of makes me question whether or not my feelings for her are healthy, whether I'm too dependent on this woman, and where things will go from here. All I know are a few things; I still love her, I don't want her out of my life, and for the time being I just need to give her space and hope that time will heal the wounds we both have. I want to rekindle things with her so badly, but again, I know that the only way there is a chance of that is if I let her go for the time being and just pray that she comes to miss me too. Heartache sucks, it really does, but it's a part of life. We grow, we form bonds, we separate, c'est la vie. While I'm hurting right now, even though it doesn't bring me comfort at the moment, I know that I'll heal eventually. I just have to hang in, focus on growing as an individual, and hope for the best. I know she probably wont read this, but I really hope she does.